I’ve never been fired, but I think when I left a job or two, some people were glad to see me go. As with much of life, I don’t expect everyone to like or agree with me. However, at a job, I do expect a degree of professional respect. “I know that you don’t like me, but don’t let your personal opinion cloud your judgment of the work I do.” In time, I would come to learn how naive that last statement was, is, and will probably continue to be.

Anyone will tell you that you should always dress for the job that you want, not the job you have. When you go for an interview, you should dress formally, make sure your teeth are clean and that you don’t smell. All true. All correct. All functionally worthless.

The most important part of a job interview is getting across the right vibe. If the interviewer likes you, if they feel some form of bond or kinship with you, you will be hired. I’m sure if you think about it, you can come up with at least one story (maybe not a personal account) of someone being hired because they were a fan of a certain team, or because they smoked a joint with the interviewer (friend of mine).

These rules apply once you receive your job. Being seen as a valuable employee is 2% work and 98% vibes. You only have to stay conscious while at your job if people like you.

In my previous job, I got to put these rules to the test. Generally, I’m pretty quiet and sometimes too forthright. If you ask, “Is there a problem with something?” I’ll tell you the problem and potential solutions. I’m not rude, not curt, but I don’t pander or soft-shoe around the issue. Apparently, some of my coworkers did not take kindly to what I perceived to be an attribute. I was told by my immediate superior that my job was in jeopardy. So I made an immediate about-face. I kept a smile plastered onto my face for the eight working hours of the day, and whenever anyone asked me a question, the answer was always, “Yes.” Yes. YES. Yes and yes. Nothing but yes. Even when I knew something would not work, I said, “Yes.” When aforementioned “thing” did not work, I would say, “Gosh, that’s weird. I don’t understand how that could have happened. It couldn’t be something you did. Let me look into it and I’ll get back to you right away.” My supervisor said, and this is a pretty accurate quote, “I’ve never seen such a turnaround in the opinion of a person. Everyone is really happy with you. I’m glad to see you’re doing better.”

…pause while I try to resist vomiting.

I found that a healthy dose of sarcasm, in the right company, can be very therapeutic. You have to be careful when exposing your true emotions with coworkers. Some will understand your persona and intentions, others will use it against you. Some people can understand that even if you do not like someone, you can work with them, be polite, and even excel at your job. Most people cannot understand the separation between how you feel and what you do.

Below is a sample of some sarcasm, recently re-found by a former coworker and sent my way. I had to come up with a tagline for an online account management program. Keep in mind that our clients preferred to pick up the phone and call us, rather than making any effort, any effort what soever to figure something out on their own. I was told to come up with “something that will make them interested in trying out this online service”. Here are some choice outtakes:

  • Self-Service – This one requires two hands
  • If you can read, this should be of interest to you.
  • Service yourself, you bitches!
  • Good stuff to see if you get your head out of your ass.
  • Participate in something other than a gang rape.
  • Make an investment without someone dragging you kicking and screaming all the way.
  • Take control and take interest. Caution: Requires a clue.

It may seem a little hostile, but consider this: The computer is one of the few, if not the only, invention of the 20th century without a set purpose. For some people, it is a means of communication (email, video conference, bulletin boards), for others, it’s a business machine (word processing, spreadsheets), for some a graphic tool (layout, picture editing, drawing), and for others a sound recorder/sculptor (multi-track recording, sound creation and editing). Yet for all the possibilities that exist with this computer, very few jobs offer comprehensive, if an training whatsoever. The rationale is, “The computer is a pretty intuitive device, so you should be able to pick it up quickly.” While this may be true to a certain degree, it may not hold true for every person or instance. A person can be a trained CPA, a fine accountant of the highest caliber, and have no idea how to create an initial chart of accounts in a multi-layered, modular accounting package. Sure, he knows the theory, but not necessarily the programmatic practice. The response is usually, “This program doesn’t work right,” or “This thing is broken.”

Perhaps this would explain why the people who work in IT, the people that have to field your support calls are usually smokers, coffee drinkers, and eschewers of the light. They don’t hate you, but at times, you can be a threat to tolerance.